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Get tips from a young man who knows what it takes to make his girlfriend happy around the house. Justin shares some secrets that are proven to work. Be warned: your manliness may suffer.

   About 11 months ago, my relationship with my girlfriend reached an entirely new level. Something odd occurred within our tiny 850 square foot apartment that made me realize she’s the only girl that can handle me. What’s important to remember is if you love someone enough, you can get through any situation.

   Let me start off by explaining that my girlfriend, Lindsey, and I have a great relationship. We understand each other inside and out, but it has taken a lot of hard work and perseverance. However, nothing in life is easy and that certainly includes relationships. In order to help the rest of mankind, I want to provide some “lessons from a pro.”

  My girlfriend and I hardly ever fight, but when we do, it typically involves the bathroom. She hates when I go to the bathroom while she’s getting ready, and she despises when I leave my towel rolled up in a ball on the ground. There seems to be a million nuances that easily agitate her when it comes to this essential space.

Lesson 1

   The bathroom is a very important place for a girl, and you need to respect it. If you need to go down to the community pool because your girlfriend is blow-drying her hair, then do it.

  It was a normal November evening in our apartment. The Real Housewives of Orange County projected from our television screen, and my dog was sleeping alongside my numbing leg. All I could think about was how much longer I would have to watch this horrible show before we could eat dinner, potentially make love and go to bed.

   Out of nowhere, I felt something brewing in my stomach and instantly knew that it was time to poop.

   So I made my way toward the bathroom for what seemed to be a routine deposit. I shut the bathroom door, opened the window and turned on the fan. Three actions that my girlfriend insists are mandatory.

Lesson 2

   Do the little routine things that will make your girlfriend happy, and do your best to remember them.

  All was going as planned. I finished the deed, shut the toilet seat lid, washed my hands and sprayed a little air freshener as a courtesy to the one I love. Once I returned to the living room, I immediately received a glare of disgust from Lindsey.


Lesson 3

   Don’t take things personally. Girlfriends typically assume the worst because we usually let them down, but it’s ok, we can always make things up to them. Allow yourself to look at things from her perspective. You’re normally a gross pig so why should she think differently in any given moment?

“Did you open the window and spray afterwards?”

She cut me off before I could answer.

  “You didn’t, did you?” she asked, assuming the worst.

  I told her that I followed protocol and that the smell, if any, would be gone shortly. About 30 minutes passed and she insisted that it still smelled horrible.

My girlfriend has a very sensitive nose, so I thought  nothing of it.

Lesson 4

  Your girlfriend always knows best and is right nine out of ten times (unless it involves directions), so don’t take the things she says lightly.

   After she brought up the smell for the hundredth time, I figured it might be the scent of a guy who hadn’t showered all day.

  I made my way back to the bathroom to clean myself up and try to solve the problem. This is something I highly recommend. If your significant other isn’t happy, do your best to fix it.

  As I took off my clothes to jump into the shower I smelled the scent. The scent wafted toward my nose the moment I lowered my boxers below my knees, something that was undoubtedly a cause for concern.

  I checked my entire lower region for any evidence of where the smell was originating. Everything seemed clear but still smelled pretty damn bad.

  I triple wiped just to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything. The toilet paper remained bleach white.

   The only locations on my body that hadn’t been examined up to that point were the areas that I couldn’t physically see without the assistance of a mirror. The only mirror in the bathroom was the one above the sink, so I balanced myself like a member of Cirque du Soleil with one foot on the toilet seat and the other on the counter top with my head between my legs putting.

  As I glared into the mirror, with blood quickly rushing to my head, I spotted the culprit. Stuck in the left crevice of my left thigh, roughly one inch from my geef (the space between my testicles and anus) was a small ball of what appeared to be brown Play-Doh.

  “Oh my God!” I yelled to myself.

  I stumbled into the living room, bent over a few feet from my girlfriend, my rear to her face and revealed to her what was causing all of our problems. “Is that shit? Is that shit?” she asked.

   She made a gagging noise and yelled for me to get into the shower.

“Can you believe it?” I asked maturely.

She continued to gag as I continued to question.

  “How is this even possible? It’s like somebody placed it there!” I could tell she was frustrated, disgusted and completely turned off by the situation. I waddled back to the bathroom and turned on the shower, preparing to clean the poop from my body.

Lesson 5

  “Manscape.” It’s one of the most important things for you to do if you want to have a healthy and intimate relationship with your girlfriend.

   Very few women like a hairy man. I encourage you to spend the $30, buy a shaving kit and take care of yourself.

   If I had kept up on my routine none of this would have happened. I could have avoided all this unpleasantness. After some thorough scrubbing and trimming of hairs I came back to the living room with a look of shame upon my face, like a dog who had done wrong. But in that very moment, I knew that she was and is the only girl for me. Her expressionless face was definite proof that she is the only person on Earth that can handle my shit and all that came with it.

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